Archive | September 2011

A Different Experience

This is an old story, happened last year when I was first starting to explore, but it still stays with me and I find it interesting that I can really remember how I felt.


The condo I rent has been bought by a new owner, whom I met 3 times.  He's single, 40 and attractive.  But each time he came to the condo there were other people around and I did not know how to drop a hint....on top of that we talked about when I would move out, and of course that I was moving to Florida to be with my how do you go from talking about your husband to "wanna fool around?" lol

Anyway....we texted back and forth a lot, about when he could come by for measurements in the condo etc and I gave him a set of keys because I travel and did not want to be pinned down to wait for him.

Well last week, when I was out having a wonderful day with my bgf he texted that he wanted to go by and take some measurements.  I told him to go ahead.

The next day I texted him to make sure he had gotten what he needed and to check if anyone had stopped by for me, I had suspected my husband of sending someone by to check up on me.  He said no "man" had come by (I did not specify man) and then we proceeded to go back and forth with some messages.  At first innocent, talking about wine etc....then they started to get slightly suggestive and I was unsure if this was on purpose or not.

But when he said I should not be shy to ask to stay with him when I come back to visit the city, and that he would not have a bath, only a 2 person shower....I started to clue in!

So I flirted right back and one thing let to another and now we have a get together planned for tomorrow night.

We started to talk about what we like...basically we've got it broken down to him and I both liking blow to give, him to receive.....and he likes rimming....soooo....the night is mapped out already.

But here's the thing....this is all via text....I could be talking to anyone....I like and need a do u connect with a text?

It's like he's ordering a will I react when I see him....shy?...silly?...horny...slutty?

But I'm intrigued....I want to know how I will feel, what I will do....I suppose a lot of it will depend on him.  Will he be affectionate (that would be the best scenario)....will he be aloof?  He already mentioned me dropping to my knees in the entrance way....I said I'd like to start with a glass of wine....told him to call me "old fashioned" lol.

So...this was a strange encounter for me because of the way it started. turned out very well.

We sat, chatted, laughed and we compared notes on swinging, Dom/s etc.

He did not push in any fact he seemed slightly shy....but when he offered to open himself to a joy.  He is a rare one.....very tasty....and I know....tasted twice!

He was not shy about offering me his ass.....after all.....we had already discussed it....and what a pleasure!

I have been thinking a lot about my experience last Friday night....the why, they how, the what for.....

So I decided to add some details....

I knew from the moment I accepted the "date" what it would be.....chances were pretty good it would be only a one way night, and not my way!  That was ok with me, I was pretty sure what to expect and the reason I want ahead with it was because of the "hooker / slut" aspect.  I wanted to know how I would feel to be servicing a man...simply for him...with no promise of anything in return.

I was rather cold and clinical in that regard, but deep down a part of me hoped I would be pleasantly surprised.

I was not.  It was exactly as my bgf would describe as "dirty sex"....we talked (I admit I probably bored him with details of my explorations) and when the time was right.....I did as he wanted.

He had been quite explicit....wanted rimming and blowing....

When we talked in person he admitted that he'd never been rimmed to completion...well I changed that for him.....twice!

But I did marvel at the fact that he did not even try to reciprocate....I mean...he's 40 years old, was not paying....and not even a half hearted attempt.  How is that possible in this day of enlightenment? I suppose I must put down my feelings on the whole feeling on servicing....on being slutty for no reason.

I suppose there is some shame....not for the sluttiness, more for the fact that there was no reciprocation.   Made me feel used...which for some reason is different than servicing....servicing is something you do for someone because you want to but being used is exactly that.....being used.

Now I hear from him and think..."ha....what an ass..." (pun not intended but like it anyway!)

He's hinting around to meet my bgf....hoping for 2 women to blow him I awesome would that be for him?  One rimming, the other blowing....ha....not these chicks!

The thing is, he's arrogant too....of course after what I did maybe he has the right to be....I probably fed his ego big time!

Lucky for me it was just an experiment....not to be repeated.

So I shared....any questions?

<strong>Ok....this one had better die today!  I hope these questions move me away from thinking about that night because now it's getting on my nerves!</strong>


<strong>This guy told me he works near the gay village and he told me he's always getting hit on.  I confessed to him that at first I thought he was gay.  He appeared to not be too offended (I had tried to be gentle) and he asked why.  I told him it was mostly the fact that he's 40, slim, neat, dressed well, unmarried....he laughed and assured he he's in gay, in fact he seems homophobic!  We even discussed group sex (which he likes) but in his words "no guy is gonna touch me"</strong>

<strong>But now I wonder, could this be why he did not even make a move?  I don't want to flatter myself but I'm not too hard on the eyes and I've been told I'm sexy....could it be as simple as him actually being relieved to just get rimmed and a blowjob without having to reciprocate....because he really finds it slightly distasteful (no pun intended) and he does not even know why?</strong>

<strong>Now I don't want to put this out as the standard explanation....but I also hate to think that men today are really that shallow, that they really don't care about the female body, that if they can get off without any participation they will.  You tell me....what is the norm?</strong>

<strong>So far my experience is that men love to touch and play with that just so they can get off?  Do they grimace and close their eyes to get through it so they can get to their end goal (tongue in cheek guys)?</strong>

<strong>Please...comments requested!!!!</strong>

<strong>Sooooo......I guess what I've discovered is "servicing" does not turn me on, in fact it turns me off, and left me feeling slightly dirty and used and ashamed (please note the word slightly....I'm over it already!)</strong>

<strong>But it opened another subject for me.  If I were to be involved with a Dom that enjoyed watching me blow or have sex with other would I feel?  Would I be more comfortable servicing men (or women) if it was at the behest of my Dom?  Would that change the context?</strong>

<strong>And how about....when you enter into a Dom/s relationship you are supposed to discuss and set limits, so if that is one of my limits, will it be respected?</strong>

<strong>Well now I get into the thought of pushing limits....say I state that sex with others is off limits, will a Dom who enjoys that attempt to push that limit?  If he does....say put me into restraints and then bring someone in to use that acceptable pushing?  If I am truly not happy, after the first time he tries can I ever trust him again?  After all, the nature of submission is that you have to trust the can't submit to a serial killer....won't turn out well!</strong>

<strong>So many questions.....</strong>

D/s and evolution

D/s has always held an interest for me.  Even when I did not know what it was.  I was turned on by the pictures I saw, both on the covers of my dad’s skin mags (a collector) of restrained women, and those my mind could come up with, all on it’s own.

Where did this come from?  Now I look back and think that I was like a boy, “hard” (wet) at the slightest breeze or grasp of my arm.

As life went on I learned that it was not “socially acceptable” and I stopped trying to get wide eyed innocent boys to tie me up.

Then came the “romantic” phase, when I sat back and waited for that man, or woman, who would just grab me, control me, hurt me (physically) and somehow just know what I needed.

*sigh* that did not happen.

So life went on….

Finally I got back to my erotic roots, and really started to explore the D/s life, through writing and reading and one day that was not enough.

It might have been, but the internet gave birth to people who really wanted to meet, and to easy chances to do so.  So I started to explore, to seriously consider meeting…..and met I did.

Well, I won’t bore you with all that, if you look over my older posts you can find those details, but….I have been a very closed person and this exploration has helped me open up, to find real friends, and even to love.

However, recently, after giving much of myself, after letting many barriers down, I have discovered a new problem.

I have been strong my whole life, I have been “alone” my whole life… I have reached out and shared, and risked.

The problem is this; in the D/s world a sub is “trained” to let go of trust issues, to trust and depend on her Dom completely.  But in this new internet world, many D/s relationships are not R/L, so how do you trust someone you barely “really” know?  Ok….say you get past that…..what happens when that person, that D, that you have given more to than anyone is unavailable to you?

As a sub you are trained to give over to him……he is your strength.  But now he’s not there, your strength is gone.

I am not saying it’s wrong, I am not complaining, I am not expressing dissatisfaction with my D in particular, I am merely noting something that needs to evolve.

Yes each relationship is different, each couple adjusts as they need to in life, but…..D/s is still different.  The vulnerability that is required of the sub to truly submit to her Dom leaves a lasting effect.  How does one yo-yo between strong and vulnerable?

How does she stand strong, while he is not there for her when he should be?  As she has learned and understood it anyway.

Now a conflict is born… be vulnerable with only him…..strong with the rest…..but only when he’s available…..

While I may exaggerate to make a point, do you see the quandary?

ttyl, beth


I hate to need.

Needing a thing, an activity, a person.

This exploration into D/s has opened that door to my needs.  And I have fought it all the way.  I still do.

I thank the universe, or whoever I should thank, for sending me some very kind, loving and trustworthy people whom I can let down my walls and let them see the need.

My sweet and sexy friend nearby, his words as he watched me jerk in pain “mmmmm you like that don’t you”, my mind a fog.

My friend back home; grasping my hair, pulling me towards his cock….”What do you want?”… panting, whining and moaning coming of their own volition.

I need…..

very soon…..