Archive | April 2012

Surprising Feelings

She heard his voice and everything changed.

Even a text or email produced this odd feeling of helplessness.

This desire to put her head down and speak very quietly.

The hope that she was a good girl, and that she pleased him.

She went back in time, to being a little girl, trying to please.

Why did he evoke these feelings in her?

She did not know…..but more importantly, 

She did not care.


The Desire For Touch

Today I went for a massage.

I don’t know if it was the fact that last week kind of went downhill, and kept going, or simply the firm warm touch of another human, one who does not want anything in return (ok except maybe a nice tip), but I actually felt like crying.

Her hands were so sure of themselves, even provoking erotic thoughts and I wondered how many people have those thoughts when getting a “normal” massage.  I also wonder how many massage therapists are curious, in the back of their minds, about what their client is thinking.

Since I am such a stand offish type of person, the well of emotion that this massage invoked was quite surprising.
As I relaxed and felt her hands massaging my thighs I could not help but miss the touch of a female companion.  As her hands massaged my arms, her fingers brushing lightly across my breast, I had momentary thoughts of having my nipple grasped and squeezed.
When her hands moved down my back and her fingers went under the waist of my panties to push them down a bit further….I half wished she would just keep going and explore me.
Made me appreciate the need for a “happy ending” massage.

Falling Off The Rails

I live a life of delicate balance.

I am not referring to a work vs personal life balance, I am referring to a daily battle between the real me, and the me that people think they know.

I am married, I have a Master, and they are not the same person.  My husband is unaware of the other side of me, and unfortunately I have to keep it that way.

Of course many people will read this and just say “leave your husband if you are not happy in your marriage” but I have learnt, the hard way unfortunately, that it is not always black and white.  There are many gray areas in life, and this is one of them.  I have learnt that you cannot judge a person until you have lived their life, you can only hope to support them if you care about them.

Instead of leaving my husband I am trying to strike a balance between keeping him happy, and keeping myself happy.  It is a constant daily battle, some days I seem to be winning, other days the weight of the losing is so heavy I fall off the rails.

I am a woman in my mid 40s trying to take care of my health, my mind and my soul.  Some days I am strong, things are going well, I am eating well, exercising, generally taking good care of myself.  On other days I lose my mind….I eat crappy food, I can’t seem to move and I drink too much….essentially I fall off the rails.  The next day I am depressed and angry that I am too weak to control myself.

I strive to get this under control, to take care of myself and not allow outside influences to affect me to the point that I am only hurting myself.

I have goals, I have a long term plan, but I have to get through today, and every day, one day at a time.

I just want to know….why do I fall off the rails?  And how can I stop.