I live a life of delicate balance.
I am not referring to a work vs personal life balance, I am referring to a daily battle between the real me, and the me that people think they know.
I am married, I have a Master, and they are not the same person. My husband is unaware of the other side of me, and unfortunately I have to keep it that way.
Of course many people will read this and just say “leave your husband if you are not happy in your marriage” but I have learnt, the hard way unfortunately, that it is not always black and white. There are many gray areas in life, and this is one of them. I have learnt that you cannot judge a person until you have lived their life, you can only hope to support them if you care about them.
Instead of leaving my husband I am trying to strike a balance between keeping him happy, and keeping myself happy. It is a constant daily battle, some days I seem to be winning, other days the weight of the losing is so heavy I fall off the rails.
I am a woman in my mid 40s trying to take care of my health, my mind and my soul. Some days I am strong, things are going well, I am eating well, exercising, generally taking good care of myself. On other days I lose my mind….I eat crappy food, I can’t seem to move and I drink too much….essentially I fall off the rails. The next day I am depressed and angry that I am too weak to control myself.
I strive to get this under control, to take care of myself and not allow outside influences to affect me to the point that I am only hurting myself.
I have goals, I have a long term plan, but I have to get through today, and every day, one day at a time.
I just want to know….why do I fall off the rails? And how can I stop.