Archive | December 2011

This butterfly’s year….

It seems to me that my life did not used to be so hard, did not seem to require so much work.

It makes me wonder; did I make a mistake trying to follow my passions, trying to figure out who I am, what I want, what I need…..and what will make me happy?

It is officially 2 years since I embarked on my journey, and many things have changed, but most are full of issues and work, I am not yet sure if it will turn out for the best.  Perhaps I should have stayed the quiet wall flower that faded into the background whenever needed to avoid conflict, now it seems every day is full of conflict.

I have made great efforts to save my marriage; I have entered therapy, I engage daily in battles to make him see and/or hear what the issues are.  While he is a good man, he also feels he has no faults, in fact, to point out a fault is to say he is “horrible” according to him.

He controlled all the finances, all the living decisions, for many years.  I did not mind because it was all with the ultimate goal to move to sunny Florida.  Unfortunately things changed, things got in the way, and he did not plan our move together, he just left.  Then was upset when I did not rush to be at his side, when I did not quit my job, give away all my (our) stuff, and run to an uncertain future, with no job, no independence…..

Well I finally moved, started to stand up for me and we have been at odds ever since.  I did leave him, and he made such pleas and promises that I was certain he needed me and would make drastic efforts.  He does need me, he did make efforts….and now he has gone back to his stubborn ways, he thinks he has changed what’s needed, and now he’s REALLY perfect.

Luckily I met a wonderful woman along the way, in many ways she has been a lesson I needed, and I will love her always.

I met a couple of fun kinkster friends who love to torture and play with me whenever the opportunity arises.

I “met” a man who was my owner, who is the only one I think I can every submit fully to, but that did not work out as I’d thought for many reasons.  Now I spend too much time locked in my head, my logic talking me off the cliff, some days good, some horrid.

I was never the teary type, but over the last 2 years I’ve cried, or wanted to cry enough for a few lifetimes over…..and I hate that.

2012 approaches….I still have hope that I will be able to work some sort of balance into my life; emotional, creative, and sexual….in the meantime I push, I fight, and sometimes I roll into a ball and I cry.  Each good thing I embrace and concentrate on, each bad thing I try to push away.

Happy New Year to all…..every day holds hope 🙂

ttyl……beth