Archive | February 2014

How Odd

Things are odd.

I’m having odd dreams, which is even odder given that I do not normally dream or at least remember them. I’m dreaming a lot about dead people, (that I know) and other weird things.

Last night I dreamt about an exboyfriend hooking up with my Mom (ich) and some young, shy, really inexperienced black guy finally making a move on me. I woke just as his wussy lips were touching mine…..and all I remember thinking was “Get on with it man!”

The gym I go to is very anti-social, anti-pickup, which I love. I am there to work out, to sweat, to kick some ass (yes it’s a boxing boot camp place), so when some new guy sort of hollered into my face “It’s pretty intense isn’t it” as I was cooling down he’s damm lucky I did not have my gloves on!

But now I can’t get his dumb ass face out of my head. He has these really striking blue eyes and since I am naturally anti-social I do not expect to be spoken to by strangers, let alone one that looks like that.

Be gone blue eyes, I have other things to worry about!

How odd it feels when things do not go as they are supposed to.

Some unexpected warmth

I met Master a couple of years ago, after having to give up a Master I had adored, due to a crazy situation with his wife. I know, what is crazy…..he had a wife?  The crazy part was their “open / closed / open / let’s share / closed / FUCK IT” relationship. My head spinned!

Anyway, it finally got too nuts and Master agreed to release me.

We had become very close and since I am not that “warm” of a person I had not looked for or expected to meet another Master.

Lucky for me I did and we have had loads of fun. We have had our trials, but he’s been persistent, patient, and delightfully torturous.

Having the emotional attachment issues I have can make it difficult for people who want to care for me…..on the other hand, many of those issues arise from the male “don’t be so bloody clingy” attitude, which leaves me with extreme befuddlement when I am asked “You don’t like to kiss much do you?” by a particularly close male playmate.

“Grrrr, make up your bloody minds boys”.

But I digress….becoming close to Master has been difficult; becoming dependent on him, needing him, missing him…..loving him. This has all required very large strides on my part. Not as hard for him I think, he’s naturally more affectionate, what I like to call a “caretaker” type.

During this roller coaster of attachment I have gone through plenty of painful times missing him, then hating him for causing the attachment, then pulling away….only to become reattached when we are together again….and so on and so on.

But today I realized that something has changed. We seem to have reached a more equal footing, at least emotionally, and missing him is ok, it does not hurt as much because I know we will be together again soon. And I feel only happiness and relaxation when we are together, no more emotional hurdles to get over.

Such a nice unexpected warmth on this lovely Sunday afternoon…..I love you Master 🙂


Piss me off!

I still don’t get some people.

I have been in the lifestyle for 5 years, and I am only on 2 sites but for me that’s plenty. Like many people, between work, family, friends and just plain daily life I simply don’t have time for any more than that.

Anyway, I’ve been emailing a bit with a guy who travels to my area often, and he was interested in getting together. Of course anyone who wants to play with me has to go through Master so they had emailed back and forth a bit as well. Master kept telling him to send me a couple of pics, but he had not done it. Last week, as a potential meet date got closer he emailed me asking if I was on some other “lifestyle” site as he is and he has pictures there. Apparently this site allows you better control over your pictures, enabling you to store private pictures.

Well I can understand the difficulty with storing pictures; if you are involved, if your computer is shared etc, an online storage can certainly be a good solution. So I decided to be reasonable and join the site…..oh did I mention it’s a pay site? Thankfully there is a free trial period but really?

So I join the site, just did a quick sign up so I could see his pictures, I had not intention of using another lifestyle site, as I said, I already have more than enough. I zipped through the questions having no idea how the site works or how profiles look. I did a search for him and did not find anything. No problem. I emailed him.

This is what I get as a response; “Thank you for making the effort but you indicated that you are interested in bi males so I do not think we will be a good fit”

SLAM! Seriously? I mean…really?

So I join this site because he can’t make the effort to send me pics, and apparently he also cannot make the effort to maybe consider that before reacting to something like that you should verify it. Maybe ask me of my experiences? Or level of interest???? How homophobic is he?

I don’t know whether to be more pissed off at the idea that he’s so close minded to write me off because I might be “interested” in bi males, or pissed off because he did not even think of the fact that I just zipped through the questions and might not have answered them all completely, or or or or…..grrrr.

I am stunned and (almost) beyond words.

What an ass!

*phew* rant over.