Something not very good happened to me recently that had a deep impact on me and changed many things. I am still not sure exactly what was the part that effected me the most, I’m still working the whole thing out in my head.
I met with a man that I had met previously a few times, but this time was to be different. The other times had been basic blow jobs with a touch of kink such as gagging and some rough nipple play but that was about the extent of it. This time he was given much more latitude to play with me and to deliver the pain I enjoy so much. My Master was very specific about outline, with some restrictions and requirements.
Unfortunately something seemed to go wrong. I am not sure if he was annoyed (he seemed rather angry to be honest) at the restrictions, or just playing a part. He was also rushed, which we did not know until it was finished, and I also smelt alcohol on his breath.
He delivered pain but no corresponding pleasure as agreed, he was also more physically abusive than agreed, there were marks left, and also certain violent liberties were taken that were not included in the plan. However, to be honest, these things were not specifically forbidden.
He also either knew nothing about after care, or simply chose to ignore that important aspect of play, as he simply left me there on the floor, almost naked, with his cum on my face when he went to shower.
I waited, unsure if he was done or merely taking a break. He returned to the room and said “Get up, we’re done” and we both proceeded to prepare to leave.
On our previous meets there had been some chatting after, but this time he was pretty quiet, rushing to leave, and I was stunned speechless.
As you can see I have left most of the details out, for a few reasons. One reason is I do not want people titillated by the story as it has had the opposite effect on me. I have avoided porn, my fantasy thoughts have moved away from “usage, gang bang” type stuff and my need to cum has been greatly reduced.
Another reason is that I share this because I believe in sharing the good and bad of my experiences, and hope that it will help me as well as maybe someone else. I know that even when you know someone things can take a wrong turn, but truthfully they can also be dangerous. I was actually in a situation where I was afraid. Thankfully the plan to tie me up was not carried out.
I have often wondered about the fantasy vs reality thing, I mean how much of the fantasies that make me so wet would not have the same effect in reality? Master and I talk often about my being used by strangers, about my being just a toy for their pleasure, and I read stories about other subs who do just that. Essentially that is exactly what happened. It was not exactly as Master wanted, he had outlined pleasure for me as well, but the usage part is exactly what happened. So while Master was upset that it did not go as planned, and that I had been “hurt”, he was also stimulated. I won’t lie, that was and is also disturbing for me, which is another thing I’m trying to work through.
Another thing I wonder about is the anger. I have often told Master that the things that disturb me about some scenes is the anger. Most often vids of gang bangs, or subs being used for pleasure do not have anger in them, but this is something I sensed in my situation. Would I have felt differently if I had not sensed that? I was confused and unsure, unable to relax, unable to trust, I think that was the crux of the issue.
I have talked about after care before, how I am not in the typical “hugs and cuddles” category, but I do need the coming down time and sadly that did not happen. How much of a difference would that have made? I do believe it would have made a huge difference, as even today I feel like it hovers in the back of my head, that the lack of someone to talk to have stopped me from working it out, getting it out, and it is like a bad bruise that is taking forever to heal.
Luckily I am slowly getting back to normal. I still have sad moments, I still struggle to focus on kink but I am getting there.
So there is a lesson to be had; if playing with strangers it needs to be in a witnessed controlled environment, and if playing in private, be sure you have plenty of trust and connection built up.
beth out 🙂