Archive | December 2013

Theories

I have some silly little theories….which I share with those I feel can take me, and even mock me if needed without being mean or dismissive. But truthfully some of my silly little theories may have some merit…..

Anyway, yesterday I was speaking to an old kinkster male friend whom I hadn’t spoken to in a year or so, and he was asking me about my Master. When we discussed looks he kind of chucked and said he was surprised.

When I asked him what he meant he said “Well, he’s not bald”.

That made me laugh as he used to tease me that I seemed to be attracted to short bald men. Since I am tall, this is more obvious.

As we talked and joked a theory popped into my head.

“Well” I said “Maybe you are not all wrong”

Laughing he asked what I meant.

“Not that I want to add to your ego issues” I replied “But think about evolution”

He was silent and confused…..something like “huh” is all I heard.

“I need intelligent men” I said “And I am thinking that evolution might just balance intelligence against looks in order to even the scales. After all, I have met many gorgeous guys with full heads of hair that all I can think once they speak is; shhhhhh, please, don’t talk”

His laughter made my day…..but…..is it really such a silly theory?

I don’t want to look at you…..I want to hear you stimulate me, interest me, fascinate me…..control me. Then I will suck and fuck your brains out!

pulled

Everyone pulls, everyone wants, everyone expects;

Are the dishes done? Did you finish your tasks? Is the project complete? What is for supper? Are you wet enough? Did you answer that email? Do I have any socks?

Everyone pulls, everyone wants, everyone expects.

One day I will not be here to respond or fulfill. I will simply be gone.

So…..depressed or ?

Well I have expressed concern in the past that I might have some symptoms of depression….I was cautious to put a label on it, but I was aware and observant.

I have finally figured out that at this point it is not depression, it is avoidance.

My mind recognizes issues I cannot deal with, change or affect and rather than fighting it, it sleeps.

I am experiencing the sleep of avoidance.

My mind shuts down, my body turns inward and avoidance settles in.

I have lived for many years with a heightened awareness of the bleeping of mail arrived, the flashing lights of contacts reaching out, now I sometimes plug the phone in to charge and turn away. I have no sounds on my phone so all I have to do is avoid that red blinking light.

It used to be that the light made my heart beat faster, reaching, hoping for a message from my Master.

Today when I go to sleep I often hope the light does not blink, because sadly it usually proves to me one thing; lots of stores want to send me coupons, but Master is quiet.

Sadly the act of silence is as painful as sub par responses.

So my mind sleeps.

Boredom

Sometimes I get bored. It’s not that I have nothing to do, I just lose interest and boredom sets in.

Am I the only one?