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Touching Base

This past 6 months has been pretty hectic.  As anyone knows who follows my blog there have been many changes in my life over the last 2 years or so.  I spent so many years with 1 Master, then things fell apart and I floundered some.  However I have a couple of friends so there has been a thin rope to hang on to.

I have always been a very strong and healthy person, despite being overweight….and happily last year I met a group of people that helped me get into better shape, and to lose 45 lbs.  Now I am tall, strong, and will happily go toe to toe with pretty much anyone (that I don’t want to blow that is (lol).

I am working on my “2nd” life career and happily most of that work is internet based.  I am good with computers, programs, marketing, writing etc, so…this is my path.

I foundered for a bit, but now I am focused and I am hoping I will be able to schedule regular postings here.  Full disclosure….my posts may be mostly hot pics with some of my own thoughts….but I am happy just to be able to engage again with the kinky & D/s community that makes me throb.

Happy Sunday…!

 

A Year Of Changes

It’s traditional for people to recap their previous year when a new one begins.  From famous personalities to everyday bloggers, some sort of end of year / new year segment is the norm.

Who am I to break tradition?

For me 2016 was a year full of changes, some good, some not, but most pretty drastic.

The biggest change was that Master and I ended our traditional D/s relationship.  We struggled through so many changes in our schedules and availability that it became almost impossible to properly maintain our relationship as it was.  We are not completely out of touch, but the days of my needing to communicate with him every day, or tell him every thing that happens to me are no more.  What does the future hold for us?  I have given up trying to guess or even imagine it.  I am not a person who manages well with a life of “what ifs” so I try my best to just take it 1 day at a time.

The happiest change was that I embarked on a fitness and weight loss journey that has so far resulted in my losing over 35 lbs!  I have struggled with my weight for many years but last year something just clicked, I made some new friends who were also struggling and together we kept each other accountable and moving forward.  I have not quite reached my goal of 50 – 55 lbs but I am confident that in another couple of months I will be where I want to be.  Losing all that weight has it pros and cons; it’s fantastic to see my abs again, but it’s frustrating to go into my closet and find clothes that fit well enough to not make me look like a sack, or worse, just fall off of me.  I have added choice new pieces of better fitting items here and there, but going out and buying an entire new wardrobe is an expensive and daunting task!  Oddly I feel that the change in my relationship with Master actually helped with the weight loss, not because of depression or lack of appetite, but because of the independence it brought to me, and the determination that each choice I made was in my best interest, not someone elses.  But no matter how you look at it, I did it for myself and I feel great about it!

The most unexpected change was in my professional life.  I took an important and difficult class and made a job change.  Doing this after turning 50 can be very difficult but I did it and I am busy making new friends, connections and a new schedule.  Fun but a little intimidating!

The saddest change was the loss of a close family member.  It was unexpected and shocking, and left myself and my mother in a very odd place.  There was no service or time for the family to get together and grieve, leaving us is an almost zombie like state, as if nothing had changed but knowing something was different, something was not right.  The pain from the loss has been intense and the struggle to get back to “normal” life is ongoing.  My energy level drained, my motivation was tapped out.  But as with anything else, life goes on and things are slowly returning to normal.  Luckily, through the whole thing I had my fitness journey and it gave me the motivation to get out of bed each day and get moving.  Without that I can only imagine the days I might have wallowed around, lacking the will and energy to get anything accomplished.

So here I am, trying to recover from a year of some of the most drastic and emotional changes of my life.  But, if this post is any proof, hopefully I can continue to move forward and settle into a new routine, one that includes blogging once again.  I am sure there are many others out there that went through difficult and even exciting changes in 2016, but I guess we all roll with the changes.

Thanks for reading 🙂

When?

When will life get easier?

I don’t recall my grandparents struggling like we do, everywhere I turn everyone has absolutely the perfect life…..until tomorrow, when all the shit hits the fan and they can barely pull their chins off the floor.

Seriously, for everything from money to jobs, kids and relationships….it just seems to be such a struggle.

I get annoyed with my husband because he gets upset at something and then its just gone.  The problem is not gone, he has just swept it away.  He even seems to re-write history so if you talk to him about the problem in a year….no matter how big or bad it was, he has “no clue” what you are talking about.  But you know what?  Maybe that’s a handy talent to have!  There are certainly many things I wish I could forget about.

Recently I went through what I think is one of the saddest events of my life, I think particularly because I had to actually choose the thing I did not want.  I still look at it each day with a touch of sadness.woman-with-her-head-in-her-hands

There were some benefits, but I wish I had not had to make that choice.  So I take 1 day at a time.  Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks, things have adjusted, but not a minute of my day goes by when I don’t wish it was different.  What’s the saying….if you love something set it free?  It sucks.

So instead I try to focus on work, working out, meal prep, taking care of inner me.

Only 1 big problem with all that…..I’m still so fucking horny! *sigh*

 

Update time!

So I did a beginning of the year post, you can read it if you want to be up to date and as I am still battling I figured I would update the status.

Let’s see, I had wanted to read more, almost daily, but for sure a few times a week….sadly 2016 has given me less than 1 reading session per week, not at all what I had wanted.

I had planned to take a day a week for courses, but between everyone’s emergencies, work overload and general demands I’ve been lucky to have 1 day a month.  Still, better than before.

I have managed to up my workouts, which makes me feel strong and happy.  I have managed to get some control on my drinking…..still have my moments but everyday is it’s own battle.

Sadly my “me” time and / or alone time has dwindled even more.  There have been guests, there have been “dinners” and “visits” and I feel like I am constantly tethered, and not in a fun way :).

Things are starting to quiet down, but May has the look of an almost comical rash of visitors and “events”.  Might need to start wearing sunglasses cam just for the “Oh yes it did happen” value!

Oddly I have made a new friend…..I say oddly because he’s not into kink, but wants sex so we have sex.  He’s older, retirement age older, but the time we spend together is just quiet and low pressure.  I feel like I escape the stress and pressure in my life; we chat, we drink wine, we have sex…..more wine and chatting….and we carry on with our lives.  But, to update this, he has expressed an interest in some kink so we will see where that might go….

Happily last week I did get a very rough bbc fucking….that was nice for a few reasons.  Well obviously for the fucking, but also because of the unpredictability.  I list and plan most everything, so when something is not on my list….it freaks me out a little.  Alright, maybe more than a little.  But regardless, the stress relief of having my hands bound, my ass and pussy spread and exposed…..and not quite knowing what was “coming” next…..very beneficial.  Takes me a bit to process, initially I freak out some, but the after affect was (is) good.

So I continue to struggle towards what I want, but I am not giving up.  I have come to recognize that I can be very happy alone, if all these other things are in place, so I have begun to try to make more space for me, and what I need.
Might be a boring no sex post so here…..a cleavage pic!  IMAG0324-1CROPPED

 

Odd Musings

I’ve never been a very romantic or sentimental woman, as I am sure any of my regular readers know.  However I am think I was a typical teen, dreaming of that romantic prince charming, but that changed pretty early for me.  My lack of mushiness and cling has often been a source of surprise and even disappointment to some men.  Which in turn surprised me, as “cling” or attachment is a common complaint with men, but I suppose their egos have come to expect it.

I also have always paid my own way, and have difficulty accepting having someone pay for me, I guess it’s my own “I don’t need anyone”.

Lately however, I’ve been having some odd thoughts and musings.  I don’t know if getting older is changing me, or if being with the person I don’t really want to be with makes me look at things differently, but lately I have found myself watching couples in movies and TV and wondering what it is like to have a really deep loving relationship.  What is it like to be with someone you actually want around?  Of course, I can’t imagine ever wanting anyone around all the time, but still, to have someone who understands you (does any man ever understand a woman….and vice versa?), someone you can be honest with, it must be special.kissing

Sometimes I watch those really deep kisses (apparently just “because”) and I wonder what it’s like to actually want to kiss someone like that.  And to enjoy it, regardless of whether it leads to sex. 🙂

This is a short post…..mushiness is not something I do well, but, just some odd thoughts.

beth

 

Here’s To 2016!

I know most bloggers / writers do a year end post, and I usually do as well, but I have not been actively posting lately.

There are many reasons for my not posting, most of them revolve around not having enough quiet alone time.  I don’t know about other bloggers but I do not write well when surrounded by people I know, even if we are not involved in conversation things are just happening and I get too distracted to write..  I have made some steps towards correcting that issue so that I will have time to write.

So on to my “New Year” post.

2015 was an odd year for me, there were many changes, many stresses and many adjustments that had to be made.  Unfortunately these changes and stresses ended up making me feel crazy, unable to focus and completely out of control.

So as 2015 drew to a close, sometime around the beginning of December, I started to make some decisions about how to change things for myself.

There are things that I love to do, simple things such as reading, to more complicated things such as taking classes, but in 2015 there never seemed to be enough time.

I decided to take steps to make time.  I’ve found ways to eliminate “time wasters” and even though it’s only been about 4 weeks I can already feel the difference.  I am calmer (slightly) and way more focused.

Now if my two jobs would give me some breathing time that would be great!

What are you hoping for in 2016?  Are there important changes coming in your life?

Here’s to a great year!

beth