So…..depressed or ?

Well I have expressed concern in the past that I might have some symptoms of depression….I was cautious to put a label on it, but I was aware and observant.

I have finally figured out that at this point it is not depression, it is avoidance.

My mind recognizes issues I cannot deal with, change or affect and rather than fighting it, it sleeps.

I am experiencing the sleep of avoidance.

My mind shuts down, my body turns inward and avoidance settles in.

I have lived for many years with a heightened awareness of the bleeping of mail arrived, the flashing lights of contacts reaching out, now I sometimes plug the phone in to charge and turn away. I have no sounds on my phone so all I have to do is avoid that red blinking light.

It used to be that the light made my heart beat faster, reaching, hoping for a message from my Master.

Today when I go to sleep I often hope the light does not blink, because sadly it usually proves to me one thing; lots of stores want to send me coupons, but Master is quiet.

Sadly the act of silence is as painful as sub par responses.

So my mind sleeps.

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