I have been struggling lately with one of the things I hate most, emotions.
Whip me, beat me, hurt me and make me beg, but I don’t want to “care”. Maybe that is what attracts me to submission, on the surface it looks like the submissive is being used, played with, tortured but not cared for.
Being an owned submissive can be very confusing, it is supposed to be simple but I guess when you are not actually a couple it makes things muddy. I have the normal struggles of going from being strong and independent to being submissive, always, to my Master. I also struggle with trust, I often think the worst when I am “out of the loop” with Master and discussing it with him is difficult as I tend to view his explanations of his distance suspiciously so in truth it just makes me feel worse.
I still sometimes think “what are we doing”, and think of how much easier life would be if I went back to “normal”, but then I think of the giant hole in my life where Master is now.
So for now I continue to struggle with all the binds, both physical and emotional.