The other day I met a female friend I had not seen in a few months and as we chatted about what was new in our lives she dropped the bomb that she was moving out on her own, leaving her husband. She is younger than me, but we have discussed our similar issues with our husbands, in fact we had gone to the same marriage therapist.
I watched her face as we talked, and being the straight forward type of person I am I said a little cautiously “Congratulations?”
She assured me quickly that yes, she was happy. She had reached the end of her rope and the decision was not causing her any pain, only a little fear on the unknown.
As odd as it may seem, I am very happy for her.
I told her that she is really going to enjoy going home and entering “her space”. That was always the best part of my day when I lived alone, and I still enjoy those rare moment when I arrive home to an empty house, the silence of the space seems to clear my soul, the simple act of closing the door behind me seems to cement my peace.
As we talked I also felt sad. Happy for her, but sad that I may never truly feel peace again. I yearn for that feeling of peace, tranquility and safety.
I do not feel safe in my home, in my life, married to the man I am married to. He is weak, he is arrogant, he is needy…..thank goodness I never had children. Why don’t I leave?…..*sigh* do you have a week?
Everyone’s situation is different, not everyone can up and leave without great consequence, to their lives, to their families, and to their mates. Not everyone is willing to push all that to the side to put their needs first.
I know everyone says it is not our responsibility to make others happy, but when we agree to “love, honor and cherish” isn’t there a touch of responsibility that comes with that?
Instead I seek peace in other places, the time with my Master, the happy hours away from my husband, and my times simply away from his watchful needy eyes.
Mostly I take one day at a time….but sometimes I get very sad and despondent wondering, will I ever feel true peace again?