The other day I met a female friend I had not seen in a few months and as we chatted about what was new in our lives she dropped the bomb that she was moving out on her own, leaving her husband.  She is younger than me, but we have discussed our similar issues with our husbands, in fact we had gone to the same marriage therapist.

I watched her face as we talked, and being the straight forward type of person I am I said a little cautiously “Congratulations?”

She assured me quickly that yes, she was happy.  She had reached the end of her rope and the decision was not causing her any pain, only a little fear on the unknown.

As odd as it may seem, I am very happy for her.

I told her that she is really going to enjoy going home and entering “her space”.  That was always the best part of my day when I lived alone, and I still enjoy those rare moment when I arrive home to an empty house, the silence of the space seems to clear my soul, the simple act of closing the door behind me seems to cement my peace.

As we talked I also felt sad.  Happy for her, but sad that I may never truly feel peace again.  I yearn for that feeling of peace, tranquility and safety.

I do not feel safe in my home, in my life, married to the man I am married to.  He is weak, he is arrogant, he is needy…..thank goodness I never had children.  Why don’t I leave?…..*sigh* do you have a week?

Everyone’s situation is different, not everyone can up and leave without great consequence, to their lives, to their families, and to their mates.  Not everyone is willing to push all that to the side to put their needs first.

I know everyone says it is not our responsibility to make others happy, but when we agree to “love, honor and cherish” isn’t there a touch of responsibility that comes with that?

Instead I seek peace in other places, the time with my Master, the happy hours away from my husband, and my times simply away from his watchful needy eyes.

Mostly I take one day at a time….but sometimes I get very sad and despondent wondering, will I ever feel true peace again?


2 thoughts on “Torn

  1. I don’t think it’s odd you are happy for her at all. She is finding her happiness again.

    Will you ever find true peace again? Probably not. Not if you wish to stay in your marriage that so obviously makes you miserable. It is a noble thing to take marriage seriously. I think we all go into marriage with noble intentions. But life moves on. Things change. People change. Needs and desires change. No we are not responsible for other people’s happiness completely. Yes, when you commit yourself to marriage, you should do your best to maintain that commitment, but does sacrificing your happiness to do so really sound like life’s plan. We are mortal with a very short life on this planet. Who wants to be unhappy during most of it? I don’t. It sounds like you’re trying to honor your vows and continue on this marriage with someone who does not want to carry the same responsibilities that you speak of in this very post.

    I know that there are a million reasons why you don’t leave. It’s hard making such a decision like that. Especially if you have to be on your own when it’s all said and done. I just hope you aren’t holding your vows so seriously that you think it means being miserable for the rest of your days.

    • Thank you Mina for the insight. Right now I want him to see his own unhappiness too, I mean, how can someone be happy in a relationship where the other person is not? Surely he is not totally clueless, and I know there are many things he wants that I cannot give him, but someone else will. Our age, cultural and life experience differences are also playing a large part now, I’ve embarked on a new career, and he is entering retirement mode. There is a big difference in our priorities.
      Oh well, one day at a time.

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