This is a post I’ve had on my mind for awhile but was struggling with how to write it. However an event that occurred last week helped me put it to words.
Just last week Master came to visit and brought a friend, an evening that I will write about soon. His words to me were simple “Do as you are told” and then he sat back to watch.
His words to me before hand however, in private, were not as simple. He told me that on this night I was not to think of myself as a sub, or as a slut, but as a hole. A hole for cocks, for their use and pleasure, that mine (pleasure or desires), or I, did not matter.
Master and I have discussed dehumanization, and he has played with the process in private, but this was the first time he used the idea with someone else.
During my encounter with this man he seemed especially thrilled with gagging me with his cock almost to the point of vomiting. Master and I have discussed this act, and I understand the idea that it is an expression of ultimate surrender and control. I think the urge to stop yourself from vomiting is almost primal, so to be able to let go of that natural urge does take a lot of surrender. As this man gagged me I found myself wondering if Master had decided to use this act as a test and if this man would not stop until I vomited. I am happy to say that was not the case :). But the thinking me had to keep reminding myself of my “hole” status. Letting go is sometimes a lot of work *grin*.
I have mixed feeling about this dehumanization process, as I’m sure many women submissives do. Women in my age group have spent many years learning to assert themselves in the world in order to get anywhere, we have slowly been learning to really like ourselves and the process of dehumanization goes against all of that. Notice I said process, I am not referring to the end result, I believe there is an important difference between the two.
There are a couple of things I know for sure; one is that I am not ready to be referred to as “hole” nor am I ready to replace the name/title or whatever you want to call it, in my daily affirmation, with “hole”.
Sometimes when Master refers to me as ‘slut” my face still burns, even though he uses “slut” all the time when we speak or when he refers to me. “slut” is my name/title and that has taken me time to get used to, it is an act of stripping away a portion of me.
The other thing I know for sure is that if Master were to decide that a “hole” was what he wanted on a full time basis, that would not work for me. One of the reasons it has taken me so long to find a Master I adore is that I desire to submit myself but not give up myself. I like myself, I enjoy my own personality and mind, and I have no intention of giving that up.
When I read the piece below from a blog I have reposted, it tied into this topic for me;
BEING A MASTER
If you truly want to be a Master, you will do everything in your power to enable your woman to be who she really is, and that is a woman full of love and sensuality and passion and who wants nothing more than to be free and safe enough to show you the full extent of it.
Few men deserve the title of Master and part of what it takes is a true love of women and an appreciation of their intelligence, sensuality and passion for life, and then to have the strength and confidence to bring out the best in her. Please, if you love her, make her life as your slave as complete and as real as you can.
I believe that it is a Master’s role to bring out the true woman, not the woman he wants. If the two don’t mesh, then the Master/sub match is not the right one.