Day 18, 30 days of submission

18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Oh boy, this one might get me into trouble.

My biggest struggle has been with that very misconception.  I am terrified to lose myself in someone else.  There are things I do not want to do, my own hard limits, and I fear getting to a point where anything goes, only because I am no longer myself.

I actually like myself quite a bit, I enjoy learning and changing, but I do not want to lose my core.

I also have intimacy issues, but that is a subject for another post, and keeping quiet often makes me feel as if I’ve protected myself.

So I try to communicate.  But, unfortunately my communication is not always balanced.  I tend to communicate what I don’t want, but I’m not as good at communicating what I do want.

For example, one of the first times I was physically with my Master I wanted so badly to feel his cock in my ass.  For some reason the thought of him fucking my ass, taking it and using it, was, and still is, a very possessive thing.

After we played the first time, during which there was no ass fucking, he asked me what I desired or didn’t desire for our next encounter.  I suppose knowing our time together was going to be short it was important we maximize our time.

I squirmed and ummed….it took a lot for me to finally whisper “I would like you to fuck my ass”.

Thankfully he was happy to oblige, and a lesson was learnt.  I learnt that it is ok to ask for what I want, that I do not have to be ashamed of my deepest darkest desires, and that he will gladly help me fulfill them. *smile*

ttyl……beth

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