Day 6, 30 days of submission

6) What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

I am not sure what the roots of my submission are.  I have always been highly sexual, one of my earliest memories are of getting a neighbor boy to tie me to a tree when I was about 12, he was younger so needless to say it was not a very successful experiment.

I don’t have any memories of my father mistreating me in the conventional or damaging sense so I don’t believe it comes from there.  However, he was an avid collector of porn, which he made no effort to hide, and much of his porn was the 1960s and 70s variety which often depicted violent sex.  Slick Hustlers were not his preference.

Domestic discipline is not my thing, I cannot be bothered much with cooking, I do enjoy a clean house but cleaning is not a submissive thrill for me, it’s a necessity of life.

My submission is 100% sexual.  Even in non sexual submissive acts, such as peeing while Master watches, I get wet and throbbing.

I do know that I reached the point of wanting to hand myself over to another because I had spent many years being the care taker of my family, as well as having highly stressful jobs and my mind would never shut down and rest.  I had simply become exhausted.  No one had ever taken care of me.

Submitting to another allows me to shut down, in fact, my love of pain literally rips the ability to think about anything but whatever is hurting, removing the exhausting never ending revolving worries in my mind.

I have also always wanted the feel truly helpless and at the mercy of another, that is one thing I can’t explain, it just is.

ttyl…..beth

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