Falling Off The Rails

I live a life of delicate balance.

I am not referring to a work vs personal life balance, I am referring to a daily battle between the real me, and the me that people think they know.

I am married, I have a Master, and they are not the same person.  My husband is unaware of the other side of me, and unfortunately I have to keep it that way.

Of course many people will read this and just say “leave your husband if you are not happy in your marriage” but I have learnt, the hard way unfortunately, that it is not always black and white.  There are many gray areas in life, and this is one of them.  I have learnt that you cannot judge a person until you have lived their life, you can only hope to support them if you care about them.

Instead of leaving my husband I am trying to strike a balance between keeping him happy, and keeping myself happy.  It is a constant daily battle, some days I seem to be winning, other days the weight of the losing is so heavy I fall off the rails.

I am a woman in my mid 40s trying to take care of my health, my mind and my soul.  Some days I am strong, things are going well, I am eating well, exercising, generally taking good care of myself.  On other days I lose my mind….I eat crappy food, I can’t seem to move and I drink too much….essentially I fall off the rails.  The next day I am depressed and angry that I am too weak to control myself.

I strive to get this under control, to take care of myself and not allow outside influences to affect me to the point that I am only hurting myself.

I have goals, I have a long term plan, but I have to get through today, and every day, one day at a time.

I just want to know….why do I fall off the rails?  And how can I stop.

ttyl…..beth

6 thoughts on “Falling Off The Rails

  1. You battle because you’re human, wether we have a secret life or not (I happen to) we all walk this line to some extent, the very worst thing you can do is give yourself grief about it.
    As someone once said “worrying is like praying for something you don’t want” …take care:)

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