For the past few weeks I have been off. I have noticed something, a twitch almost, and I have stamped it down, ignored it, not even realizing it is a “thing”.
I have fought the desire to do all the things that are bad for me; eat too much, drink too much and even go jogging. I love jogging but I have major back and neck issues that don’t allow for it. But anyone who jogs knows that high, and that there is no substitute. Except maybe boxing, or shooting; perhaps it’s time for a new hobby.
Even my swimming has not always been as effective as it usually is. Normally I feel the stress ease from my body and mind with the first lap, but one day this week I was at lap 16 before I felt relief flooding my mind; I felt a true physical shiver run through my body, finally.
But tonight, as I once again went to bed early because I was “tired”, which I know is really my mind’s way of avoiding something, I started to fantasize a bit.
As I lay in bed I nearly groaned out load as I imagined my head being pulled back by my hair. I could almost feel the strain in my neck as a strong hand gripped my head and pulled me around to them.
I pictured myself on my knees, then my wrists bound behind me, and I could feel the relief flood my body.
That is when I realized what submitting does for me and how important it is.
When I submit, to the right person, it clears my mind. It allows me freedom, it gives me focus and removes all the “little” things from my head.
For that time of submitting I am not thinking of anything except the person controlling me, and my own actions and response.
I am filled with fear and passion, both overpowering emotions, that do not allow room for things like worry or depression.
Oddly enough I also realized that during that time I am filled with thoughts of survival. This sort of makes sense as I am that person who sleeps with the bedroom door open, likes to sleep near the door, sits on the outside of the dinner table and would prefer to stand at a crowded party than to sit; trapped.
But I live for being restrained; what a conflict!
When I am restrained, tortured, used, manipulated; all I can think about is what is going on at that moment, and how to survive it.
So tonight I realized how much a part of me submitting is, to the right person.
Have to find a “therapist” I suppose.