The Pain Of Craving.

The last few months has seen me at odds with my world.  Having some freedoms expanded, others restricted, in ways I did not expect, nor want.

Some discoveries have come from that, ones I’d like to share.

An experiment was posed to me; one where I would go out with an escort, a male escort, and the purpose of the evening was to see if I would be willing, or comfortable, or able, to give strange men blowjobs in the bathroom of a bar.

This is something I’ve discussed and researched.  It’s a pretty common theme, only usually it’s just a fantasy.  Something many women do with their partners, often using friends, or pretending their partners are strangers.  This was to be complete strangers.

My original issue with this was the disbelief that men could be approached in a bar, offered a NSA blowjob and just take it.  The jury is still out on the stats of that.

Anyway, when the time actually came to embark on this little adventure I freaked out!  I panicked and fled to the innermost corners of my mind.

When I finally popped my head back out, and decided to go trolling with my escort the evening turned out to be uneventful.  I had a pleasant evening, checking out the potential “meat” and generally discussing the concept.

Over the next little while I thought very hard about why I panicked so much.  I am a big girl, no one was going to tie me down and force strange cocks down my throat (dammit).  This was meant to be a completely voluntary but submissive exercise.

I finally realized that the reason I panicked was because I knew that I would not give myself an out.  If I was in the situation, and a man was approached, and he accepted, it was I that would not be able to back out.

So the pressure was from myself.  Not quite sure what that means or what you would call it.  Integrity?  Morals? Just plain silly?

At least the knowledge will help dispel the panic when I try it again.

The next important thing that I worked out was the realization that even though I crave pain, as a submissive sometimes the idea of just being “submissive” is enough.

In times of sadness, often just the thought of curling up at “his” feet, or being near “him”, waiting on his wishes, are enough.  Pain is not the only driving force, it is merely medicinal.

That was big for me, because those thoughts are almost “romantic” and romance is not a big thing in my mind.  But those images help bring me peace during troubled and lonely times.

Hope everyone is having a good Easter weekend.


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