I knew at a very young age that my desires were not like others. Hell, even the fact that my mind was so active at such a young age was not normal.
My mind was never filled with visions of romance, with a white knight. Mine was always filled with thoughts of being taken, forced, restrained, and tortured.
Now the young mind does not comprehend the reality of words like “force” and “torture” so as I grew up and realized that my thoughts were not “normal” I suppressed them. When I was with people that seemed to be more adventurous, that thought of more that “dinner and a movie” I would embrace the suggestions of “kinky” quickly.
As I started to understand that my desires were more deep seated than mere bedroom BDSM play I started to fantasize about being bad with my lover, and needing punishment.
These are very enjoyable fantasies, but now I realize they are not necessary.
Only last week I had my own light bulb moment.
I realized that I don’t have to be willful or “bad” to receive the pain I so crave; in this world of D/s if pain is what I need, pain is what I will receive.
In fact, being “bad” may lead to a with holding of the pain, a taunt of the whip laying unused, of the clamps teasing my eyes instead of attached to my nipples where they belong.
That realization brought me some peace. It removed some of the unnecessary fight from me.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I am no angel, and I will be deserving of punishments in the future, but at least these will be for the right reason, not because I am trying to “top from the bottom”